Mae ni
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Yuki Eiri's latest book probably holds more truth that he's willing to share.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: Mae ni. (Before.)  
Pairing: Yuki + Tatsuha  
Rating: PG  
Description: Yuki Eiri****'****s latest book probably holds more truth that he****'****s willing to share****.**

**Disclaimer: Gravi isn****'****t mine, but ****"****Music Box****"**** is copyrighted to me.**

*** A music box plays *  
**  
A short melody enters the room like a whispering child with a dream that is so great and delicate that he or she does not dare to shout out its fantastical disorder. Bouncing off the walls of the room, the melody struggles to be heard and to the ears of its listener, it becomes louder and louder in its beauty and impact.

Then, without warning, it stops.

It is short-lived for it must be wound again.

A tune that screams its pain in its captivating charm.

**Mae ni. (Before.)**  
**by miyamoto yui**

"What the hell are you doing here?"

The blond stood with the doorway half opened with an annoyed expression on his face, an unbuttoned shirt, and tired eyes. As he held onto the knob, he temporarily stepped back to let his visitor in.

The visitor walked through the threshold of the apartment with his heavy steps making loud taps on the floor. "Don't worry. I'm not here to take you home. Even I'm not that low."

Then, as the blond closed the door, he leaned on the door a bit too much that it slammed shut as he began to cough. His body convulsed as he tried to glare at the black-haired boy that outstretched his arms towards his older brother. As much as he wanted to think that his brother wasn't the kind that should have gotten physically sick so easily, he knew much better than that.

Without a protest from the blond, the black-haired sixteen-year-old carried his brother to the couch.  
He took off his boots and ran to the bedroom to get a blanket and pillow. As the older brother settled into the couch, his little brother tried to push the pillow under his head and tuck him in with a blanket.

Without a word, he took a small towel from the bathroom and ran it through cold water. Then, he put it on his brother's forehead.

The feverish invalid tried to focus his eyes on him, but he failed as he coughed and closed his eyes. The black-haired boy's hand rested gently over his brother's toweled forehead. He looked into the face of the strong person he had always found himself staring out of respect for his firmness, which may as well have been dubbed impenetrable stubbornness. But that's what he liked about his brother.

"I'm amazed you even opened the door," he commented with a sarcastic tone in his voice. "And yeah, to think, to me of all people, Ni-chan."

"If I didn't, you'd relentlessly knock on the door and call me all day. I think I'll just live with your annoying voice. I can't handle too many noisy things today," the blond answered. "But why are you here, Tatsuha?"

"I heard that you were sick."

Finding himself staring at his brother's face and holding his forehead more than he should have, he smoothly removed his hand and turned his eyes away while getting up to go to the balcony sliding door.  
"And I know that you won't be able to do shit by yourself when you're like that."

He opened the glass door to let the wind come in and touch his flustered face, feeling his temperature already rising.

"Ah, so kind of you. Now tell me why you're really here." Yuki groaned as he put his fingers on his temples and rubbed them.

"I hate it." Tatsuha said as he quickly turned around with an irritated face. "I just came here to help you at least for a little bit! Dad's not going to do it. You won't let Onee-san do it. And I'm the only one who's going to voluntarily do it."

Yuki slowly blinked his eyes as he turned his head over towards Tatsuha's direction. His head was full of confusion due to the fever and now, maybe he had overstepped his bounds.

That's what he wanted, though.

He knew how to relate to Tatsuha, but sometimes, it was not enough to save him from holding back his tongue. Right now, it was too late. Today was one of those days he had crossed the line.

Not very many things made Tatsuha very passionate about life. There were fewer things that made him angry due to his happy-go-lucky nature. But there was a small amount of things he couldn't tolerate.  
Rudeness was one of them.

But wasn't he used to his brother?

Yes, he was. He just thought that his older brother, in his sick state, lowered his inhibitions and was more ruthlessly harsh than ever.

Then, Tatsuha said it.

In anger, he coldly looked at him and his breath contained one hundred times the amount of iciness in that stare.

"Why can't you ever accept it when someone genuinely cares for you?" Tatsuha's fists became tight as he breathed in deeply and slowly.

But he couldn't look away from his brother. With all honesty, hurt, love, respect, and disgust, he continued to stare without wavering. The brother with the eyes that he had learned what coldness meant. The ones where life and death meant exactly that between them.

He counted on those eyes because they were held by the person he most admired in the world.

But with his own eyes, he had seen his brother walk out of the house. He had seen his brother slam the door whenever he got upset. He had seen his brother crying in the back of the house while smoking and looking up to the sky when he thought no one was looking.

Those were the same eyes that wrote novels that made other people feel the amount of pain that they didn't know one person could possess. Those were the same eyes that made people truly feel the characters within the book that they held within their hands.

They were the eyes of a person who used to take him home from school. They were the eyes of a person who blankly watched him when he came home from New York.

And yet, through all of this, he had loved those eyes.  
The eyes that made people stop breathing from the amount of emotion it contained, if they could see through all the superficial visages that were covered with the muddle of unhappiness and sarcasm.

Somehow, through the years, these same eyes were similar and yet they were also very different. The intenseness was there, but where had all the warmth gone?

And older his brother knew.

Even though he felt like he was physically dying, he could read Tatsuha so well. Of course, he could. He was the one that took care of him since he was little. He was the one that guided him with his cynical remarks so that his brother would grow up tough and never be like him.

Like now.

He knew all the expectations everyone had for him and the ones he held for himself. No one's opinion seemed to matter, but Tatsuha had made his thoughts matter to him. He always persisted in this matter.

So, even with all his colorful and exacting words, what could he have responded to his little brother?

Without another word and a grudge in his manner, Tatsuha went to the kitchen to make porridge. When he was done, he took a bowl and put it on the living room table. Then, he got the medication from the kitchen counter and placed it next to the food.

Sharply, Tatsuha said while putting on his boots, "There. I won't bother you anymore, Ni-chan."

Yuki wanted to call out to him, but he couldn't find himself doing so. It was against his personal code.  
Besides, it would have been futile in the end.

"I won't come back here unless I need to now. That's how you want it and I'll just have to respect that."  
Then, Tatsuha stopped. He looked up to the ceiling with tears in his eyes, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let one drop and ruin him forever. But the thought wouldn't let him go without saying it aloud.

With a final blow, he finished, "I can't believe that after all we've been through, you still treat me like I'm everyone else. Like I'm one of the ones who is killing your heart."

He couldn't fight the crack in his voice as he lowered his head to look at the door in front of him the sanctuary from this hell. "Why am I one of the people you're fighting against too?"

Too late. A tear had slipped and he quickly left, almost in a dash.  
Rather than slamming the door, he quietly left with a small click.

And Yuki bore it all.

He used to be able to cry, but after having not done it in so long, he had a more throbbing headache compared to the one earlier. His eyes stung and wanted to be filled with tears, but they wouldn't come.

What could he have said to Tatsuha? Of course, he knew all the things that Tatsuha was thinking. Tatsuha was honest like that. Something that he could never be.

Now, he had sent him away. And that was good.

Tohma had been the one by his side all these years, but it was Tatsuha who had to deal with everything like the silent soundboard that took all the unwanted utterances and placed them inside of his heart without question. He was the one that took everyone's words and hid them deep inside of himself.

Unable to convey his personal turmoil to anyone, he loved to sing Nittle Grasper.

Yuki knew it. He knew it all.

And yet, he couldn't do anything. Then or now to show his appreciation…

…for he couldn't bear disappointing his brother any longer through the abundance of love that he gave him. He just couldn't take it anymore.

His thoughts were turning into something that he couldn't distinguish at all. He was very good at keeping things in their place and keeping himself in order, but faced with the one person who truly understood him, he just couldn't do it. He couldn't fight for this because he knew it was fruitless. He didn't know what he was trying to discard or to save.

Quietly, he hated for the day to come when Tatsuha's eyes of adoration and hope would turn into bitter hate towards him. That he had failed him completely.  
Somewhere, he wanted to be taken care of by Tatsuha alone…  
To keep the separate part of himself alive.

Especially that of how he used to be.

But that was impossible. It was a selfish wish.

Yuki laughed to himself in his fevered state of soul, body, and mind. "What's so wrong? I fell in love with an angelic-looking bastard that sold my body for ten dollars."

He laughed even more loudly.  
Then, he stopped.

"But I never gave my soul. That's all I have."

With very possessive eyes, he stared at the open balcony door. "I don't care what I have to do, but I'm not giving it to anyone."

Tatsuha, who was leaning on the door, listened with his heart breaking inside of him. He bent his head down in the quiet hallway with water pouring like silent rain onto the floor.

That's why he had turned to his god, Sakuma Ryuichi. Only Ryuichi could save him now.

Those eyes…  
That reminded him of his brother.

Those eyes which held him in such regard was suddenly washed away today.  
So suddenly, so softly.  
**  
*/*/*/*/*/**

As Shuichi tried to feed him porridge, Yuki made a strange face, as if lost in thought for a moment.  
Yuki ate the porridge quietly, but stared absently at the balcony door.

He didn't know why he thought of that memory at that particular moment, but he had. And his heart began to beat rapidly. These types of feelings never really went away, did they?

The ones you truly love only become deeply embedded within your being, but could never be forgotten.

As his eyes watched Shuichi's happy face, he couldn't help but place his hand on Shuichi's left one. He didn't give his soul by choice.

Except, there were things that even Shuichi couldn't or wouldn't ever know about him, no matter what. And they were within Tatsuha and that look that he gave him before he stormed out that day, several years ago.

So, as Shuichi curled up and slept on his lap while he leaned his back on the couch and sat on the floor, he typed on his laptop. Even though he wanted Shuichi to read his latest novel, he couldn't find himself openly giving it to him for his perusal. It was bound to spark much controversy.

More than this, it might have been too personal. But of course, no one would really know that.

On sites, many, many months later, the description by a fan had read as such:

AH~! The latest book by Yuki-sama's called "Music Box". It's about two guys that were best friends. They grew up together and were so close that they could have been brothers. There were even rumors in high school that they were together, but they denied it.

Well, one of them went away on a trip. That's the mystery and all. You only get glimpses of what happened to him and why he changed, but you don't get too many details. Then, he comes back and the best friend tries to understand what happened, but the one that went away wants to keep the experience to himself until he dies. Of course, eventually, he does tell him. They are best friends, after all. But as he falls in love with his best friend, he pushes him away because he wants his friend to stay the way he is. And eventually, when you think that he's going to finally say how much he loved him, he not only kicks him out of the house, he doesn't say why he doesn't trust him.

And it isn't because of HIM. It's because of HIMSELF! When the best friend can't stand this anymore, he says he'll never come back to him ever again and leaves, getting no explanation whatsoever. You don't even know how this guy feels about him, but you only get a feeling by the way he's described! *winces*

So why's it called "music box"? The boy who stayed in Japan gave him a music box when he went away because it had his favorite song, since he left to go to further his skills in piano. He played it over and over on his trip, but due to those "incidents", he never played it again. And when he came back, he hated the piano and pretended he lost the music box in order to make the guy hate him. In the end, the music box played. He finally brought it out to the living room, but the best friend never saw it when he left him. As it played its last tune, he broke it by throwing it to the ground.

The ending is SO SAD~! That's so typical Yuki-sama, but still~! ;_; Here's what it says:

_He wound the music box in his hands. Maybe it was just him, but the song was becoming more and more faint in its play. He studied the delicate details of the design around it and gently rubbed it over with his thumb, feeling the grooves._

_The tears inside of him were pouring like the rain that played within the quiet melody that played for him. It was the one that he used to play for his best friend when they were little. It was the one that his best friend had said he had done __"__the bestest__"__. But those days were long gone and the chime had come to an end._

_He had reached his limit and could not be wound anymore._

_With both of his hands and eyes strained to cry, but couldn__'__t, he threw the music box to the ground with all his might. It was himself he saw completely smashed on the wooden floor. And the tune would never play again._

_Not only had he broken himself, but the person he believed in most in the world._

_Then, as his eyes stared at the irreparable pieces of a whole before him, he began to hear the tune inside of his head. It would continue to haunt him for all of eternity._

_The music box played and his smile became wider and wider. Walking towards the balcony, his eyes followed the figure of the one person he couldn__'__t ever let go of. Wanting to follow him, he stepped off the balcony with the tune playing so cruelly and lovingly within his ears._

_He had loved the music box because he said that if a dream had a sound, it would be this song. And so, when he left him, he realized what he had taken for granted: The will to fight for that unknown dream._

_Today, a fleeting vision of hope died in complete silence.  
_

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: **This is dedicated to my friend A, who got me into the Seki panel. ;_; (I owe you big time!)  
She loves the Tatsuha and Yuki pairing so I thought I could at least do this much for her.

In my mind, I had this strong feeling deep inside as if there was a "fighting spirit". That is as good as I can describe it. It is a balance between holding back and letting go of your control. But, it was extremely hard for me to write this fic because I am an avid Ryuichi x Tatsuha shipper. ^^;;;;; And I like Yuki's and Tatsuha's relationship. They're very cute, but even though I can see its possibility (c'mon, this is me, guys ^_~), in my eyes, I don't see it as shounen ai. I think that Tatsuha and Yuki are loving brothers with a strong relationship, but not romantically.

So, to satisfy my whims and the desires of A-chan, I've made it quite "turn of the screw"-ish. Ambiguous is good.

And that little excerpt is a manuscript I'm working on. ^_^

(And yes, I checked it over and over. He does call him Ni-chan, not Aniki. I always have to check for this to be accurate.)  
**  
July 17, 2004**


End file.
